Chava's journal

Oh my, am I bored!!!!!!!!!
Both kids are ill now, both temperature and diarrhoea, both have slept during the day but at different times. I put on dvds for Mendele because he is really miserable and this distracts him a bit.
I havent been out for days though and I am going really stir crazy. I am spending a lot of time on the computer but there isnt really anything that interests me that much I can spend time on and I feel fairly lethargic so I havent done any house work. Every time I leave the room Eidele cries and I need to hold her A LOT so its difficult to get anything done that involves moving.

I cant believe that its Eideles english birthday tomorrow, she'll be a year, her hebrew birthday which is the one we celebrate is on Purim. She was born on Purim Kotton but because we only have one Adar this year its gonna be on Purim. I havent planned anything for eis firthether. We are gonna have a tiny party for her the sunday after purim. Mendeles first birhday was planned months in advance, everything down to napkins. Good thing is she wont know although I dont think we have as many pictures of her, we dont have as many videos of her either, and I have this picture frame of Mendele with places for pictures for every month the first year startign with birth, then 1 month etc. Mendeles is filled out, every picture from when he was exactly one month and two months etc, we have the same picture frame for Eidele in pink (his is blue), but hers only have 2 photos, poor thing.
Ooh gotta run now

Its been a while since I posted mainly becaus not much has happened but I have still managed to be busy.
Eidele has had diarrhoea for over a week now, the gp wants us to come back if she still has it for another week or it gets worse. She seems to be better b-H, not loads but better. She has been very kvetchy as in more then usual (who knew that was possible, hmm). I feel bad fro her though she is not a happy camper.

She is currently bottom shuffling which looks cute but seeing as she is almost 1 I would like her to start cruising or pull herself up to standing and not on us. When she sits on my lap she has no problem holding my hands and pulling up but when she sits on the floor she doesnt even try.

On another note I have officially started dieting, I started a week ago and I am doing great. I am on two medications that cause weightgain and my thyroid is on the slow side so lets see how long it'll take.

Well its 12:50 at night, and I am catching some me time. I did have some me time after supper for about an hour when I send tatty out shopping with the kids.
This morning I went with a friend to a shiur, I have mentioned her before her son and Mendele are good friends, so me, Mendele and Eidele as, well as her and her two kids went. It turned out to be about parenting, and it was very interesting, and it was a very relaxed atmosphere. All the women had kids with so when Mendele and Eidele caused their share of interruptions, it was fine.
Everyone shared thoughts on the subject and it was nice to meet new people and be at an actual shiur. Before we left the hostess said to me that I seemed like such an attached mother, it was a compliment and she said it very sincerely. It was nice to hear!

Two weeks ago I went to the doctor. It was important that my husband was there because the outcome of the conversation would affect him to. We had to bring the kids because we dont have anyone who can watch them. Both me and my husband wanted to pay full attention to the conversation because it was pretty serious and I wanted to make sure that we discussed all aspects and covered all the details. As a result we let Mendele play with some toys in the room which he didnt do quietly shall we say. He also stepped up on the scale, and touched some equipment. When he touched somethings that seemed to be inappropriate for him to touch, i told him and he touched other things all the time not being very quiet. Teh doctor didnt say anything and I kept looking at her to try and see if he was ok and at one point my husband took him out of the room. She didnt have any age appropriate toys, she had 2 toys which were both meant for older babies. Both my husband and I knew that he wasnt on his best behaviour but I thought that given the cirumstances, the nature of our conversation it was understandable that he wasnt.
I had to go in this monday and after the actual matter I came to see her for, I had to sit down for a few minutes, and we made "small talk" she asked about different things and at some point I told her that I was very focused on my kids at the moment because Eidele wants to be held, fed, played with and held some more all day and Mendele wants to be a baby again. She then said that she noticed that he had boundary issues last time we were here, that we hadnt told him of when he wrecked her office, which he in all honesty hadnt done, he had touched the scales and tried to touch the bloodpressure tester, and made noise. I told her that I had infact told him of and she replied that he hadnt listened.
I dont feel like I cant control him and I am very happy with the level of control I have. He is not an easy kid, and when we are in places like a waiting room or a doctors office he gets very bored and very disruptive. I have to remember to bring toys and foods to occupy him next time we go because I was actually really upset.
The thing I had to get done at the doctors was extremely painful, on a scale I would measure it to the pain of contractions, and I almost fainted when it was over(thats why I had to sit), but the only thing I could talk about when dh picked me up was what she had said.

Anyways, this afternoon we had soccer again and it went much better. He took instructions really well and really loved it! There were 5 kids altogether and it was a very nice group. Mendeles friend was there as well with his father and the both kids had a lot of fun.

Tomorrow we have another playgroup and we are going to see a friend with a little girl who Mendele playes well with, I also have to find time to cook for shabbos and clearly have some me time ;-)

It feels like every time I read the news there is a report of a baby or toddler that was brutally murdered by their parent or parents or other people near them that should protect them. Generally it seems that the children have suffered abuse for some time.
Its so tragic and makes me so sad. I dont understand how people can do this, I dont understand how anyone could harm their own child! They made a child who can do nothing to protect them self suffer. I look at my own kids and I know how frightened Mendele gets if I yell, or today when Eidele bit me when she was nursing, it hurt a lot and I yelled OW! and she started to cry because it frightened her. Children trust their parents or they should and its horrendous when that trust is broken.
Where are all the organisations that work on protecting children? What are they doing? What punishment will these people get? No punishment thats fit enough! Finally why does the Aibishter let children get hurt? Thats a question that I frequently think about and struggle with.

I have been ill on and off and finally my GP gave me antibiotics which I hope will work because I have been on a lot of paracetamol because of a sinus headache that has even kept me up at night.

Today I decided that we should do something more exciting, so we went to the Natural History Museum, each way was 1 1/2 hour, but beside Eidele screaming a bit and Mendele falling asleep on the way home the journey went well.

When we arrived we had lunch in a "picnic area" full of school children. I blew my nose and my ears whistled and for the next hour I could barely hear anything, and I kept trying to pop my ears, and I most likely looked like an idiot.

After we had lunch we saw an exhibit about creepy crawlies, which was interesting un different levels for us all, then we saw dinosaurs (well skeletons of them), Mendele asked what they were and I duly told him. Being 3 life is simple and when mummy says that they were always in the ground well, thats it then. I suspect that when he'll be older he'll ask why other people think that they once were alive, and why we dont, but for now it was pretty clear, not that it will be that much more complicated later.

We also went into an exhibit about people from conception through to childhood covering muscles, brain, the nerves, hormones etc.
I didnt realise that there would be a whole theme on reproduction. The exhibit just mentioned the body which I thought would be interesting. There were some quite explisite models that he b-H didnt notice. The worst thing he noticed was a model of a womans fallobian tubes as well as the uterus, there was a little light by the fallobian (egg) and a lot of little lights traveling up. It was very pretty lights and not much more to him. There was a huge model of a fetus at 7 months gestation inutero (you could only see the baby and umbilican) but Mendele liked it a lot. There were also funny mirrors, which we had great fun with, and an area about development of toddlers, which Mendele was also very interested in. It was pretty quiet and I was happy to nurse her and relax my feet. I wasnt lucky enough that the other places she wanted to be nursed were that quiet, but b-H I have mastered nursing without anyone seeing anything.

It was really nice although I am shattered and probably didnt do myself favours seeing as I had a temperature last night. I came home and put supper on, Eidele has just fallen asleep on me and dh should be home shortly.

Or not...
Yesterday was Mendeles first day doing football(that would be soccer for you Americans), there was only one other kid in the class yesterday, apparently some of them are still on holiday. Mendele loved it, but his ability to take instructions was (how to put it mildly) not great. Apparently it was very normal though, all the other children were like him the first few weeks. Anyways whene the coach said "Mendele run to the ball and kick it" Mendele either looked up to the ceiling and all around or ran after the ball and didnt kick or just ran. There were some small cones on the fllor that were set up for the kids to kick the ball between, but Mendele thought that they would great hats. I was told by the other mother that some of the kids think that they make great masks to make funny sounds through so thats reassuring. Halfway through he was already better and did kick the ball around and also listened to the coach even if he didnt always do what he was asked. It was a very relaxed atmosphere and Mendele loved the running, the kicking the other kid etc. Even if it wasnt my proudest day.
In the morning we went to the library for rhyme time and then hurried home, only to leave a few hours later for football. Afterwards, Eidele was very cranky so I had to stay longer to nurse her, which delayed the shopping we had to do on the way back. We went from the football to the shops, I did a bg veg and fruit shop, then hurried home to cook. The kids werent in bed until 9 and I was exhausted.
Anyways we are now going out to a toddler/baby group.

This morning me and the kids went to a softplay area with a friend and her kids. She has two kids and her one son is about Mendeles age and her other son is Eideles age so its enjoyable for everyone. Mendele and her son play so nicely together so I prettyu much just sit back and relax, or at least as much relaxing as a mother can. I was busy moving Eidele out of the way of incoming cars (Little Tikes), nursing her, putting her on the bouncy castle, taking shoes(Mendeles) off and on again, etc etc, but it was actually really nice. Mendele and Eidele were both pretty tired afterwards, and on the way back Eidele cried the entire way (my friend drives) in the car so when we got back I was exhausted. After a rejuvenating lunch, we all relaxed/slept/had a coffee(me), later Mendele played with a chanuka present, and helped me make some lovely healthy banana muffins. That took up a fair bit of time, measuring, mixing, mashing bananas, and mixing some more.
Tomorrow I have another busy day. In the morning we are going to the library for rhymetime and in the afternoon we are going to soccer, rather Mendele is, its his first day of toddler soccer, so I am excited to see how he'll enjoy it. I think he will, he loves balls, he loves to kick, he loves running, altogether that should make for a fun time.

I am ready for bed now, I just hope Eidele will sleep a bit more tonight then she did last night.

Statistics say that 1 in 4 women will become or has been depressed. Postpartum psychosis affects an even smaller percentage of postpartum women, about 1 in 1,000. This rare form of postpartum depression is more likely to occur in women who have bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or if a family member has experienced these diseases. I just read about a mother who killed her children, she had postpartum psychosis. I got the impression she was a normal caring mother who got an illness that led her to do this horrible act.
As I mentioned before I had ppd and when I was pregnant with dd I had antenatal depression. My family are all mentally well and I am as well besides for the depressions I suffered in relation to pregnancy and birth. After reading this I got so sad for these kids and so scared, I keep thinking that could have been me! I know I dont have any of the risk factors for it but the thought is so horrible! The thought of ever going through depression again is in itself terrifying, but now I keep thinking what if I wouldnt only hurt myself but my family G-d forbid!
I wonder if any other women who went through severe ppd have had these fears as well. I have had horrible thought when they have been crying for what seemed like hours but if I felt I was about to loose it I left the room or went outside for a bit and called my husband if I didnt feel better and told him he need to come home.

I have been adviced(not allowed) not to have more children by various doctors and our Rov, and although I would love to have a bigger family (when I got married I thought I would), I cant for the safety of myself and for the effects having a depressed mother would have on my children. I went through infertility and if I was going to have more children I would no doubt need some kind of help to be able to conceive again. It feels very final holding and nursing and caring for my baby and knowing I wont have a baby her age again and I wont nurse any other children. I am enjoying her and taking in every second of it (when I am not to sleep deprived to enjoy it), but even though I cant have more children I dont feel comfortable seeking support from women going through secondary infertility even when my kids are older, because its because we arent allowed as opposed to physically arent able to, although having endo a lot of women have serious issuess getting pregnant to begin with. I would really like to speak to another woman who also knows she cant have more children but I feel like I would impose. I would also love to speak with other women who went through depression, because I feel very alone in going through this and even though I b-H am stabile and healthy now, the scars it leaves are still there and the fears of getting depressed again will never go away.

It seems that the kids are ill again! Both were up all night coughing. Eidele has a really bad cough, it sounds like croup, and Mendeles cough is more of a tickly throat kind of cough with lots of phlegm, I know what a pretty picture. We called the doctors who didnt have any appointments for today but we spoke with one of the doctors from our surgery on the phone who though they both sounded viral and they wouldnt give them anything for it anyways. I am so glad I am seeing a friend today who is a pediatrician maybe she can give me her opinion on this.
I cant believe that the doctors didnt want to see them! Who wants to take chances and risk that its something more then a viral infection? I know the doctors are busy but they are small kids, if I wasnt seeing my friend I would try to arrange someway or another for us to be seen by a doc.
Meanwhile both dh and I are exhausted they were literally up all night coughing. Every time Eidele coughed she started crying, it must have hurt her throat when she coughed, poor thing.
I hope we get more sleep tonight.

we have all had so many doughnuts I am up to here with them (I am holding my hand way above my head to show you), Mendele has had way to many presents, he has taken to ask for one a few times a day now. Present? Can I have one now, please? He asks so nicely that I am tempted to get him one, uhh no! The kid has gotten so many and no not from us, from his uncle, its nice and its great and you know I love when people spend their money on us, but seriusly I'd rather that he spend the money on me (obviously), I know I am stating the obvious but nobody got me any present everyday. I got some perfume from my inlaws (no not one I use), money from my bil also know henceforth as £££uncle, not nearly the same amount as he spend on ds though, and I pointed out to dh that he hadnt gotten me anything, and he said "yes I did for our anniversary, the present was also for Chaunka" Oh, I didnt know this and when my mom asked me what he gave me and I said nothing and she sounded shocked it would have been nice to know this info.
Anyways, there is honestly not that much I want, a new sheitel perhaps, money (cant go wrong there money always fits), vouchers for clothes stores (or just give me the money), sleep! I want to sleep through the night! Food I didnt cook. Anyone? No, alright, fine, b-H I have what I need more or less (although I am running out of toilet paper).
I did get a coat today. I was using my maternity coat until now although dd is 10 months old, it will be nice to go out and not still look pregnant, I cant wait, although I shouldnt get ahaead of myself, the new coat I got is nice and all but not magical, so I might still look a bit pregnant.
Anyways g'nigth to y'all